Bun

I’ve been having all sorts of strange dreams lately. Last night I dreamt I was a monkey and I was hosting some sort of party. I really have no idea what that was all about. But once I was awake, I couldn’t get back to sleep, and I drifted into that fuzzy existence between sleep and wakefulness when you travel into the past and relive some of your fondest (and sometimes worst) memories.

This morning’s trip took me back to when I was 20 weeks pregnant, lying on a bed in an ultrasound room, while the technician checked that my baby had all of the right bits. I was breathing heavily from excitement and nervousness, and from the fact that I had a fair sized being inside me pushing on all of my vital organs. I clutched Comic’s hand and we stared transfixed at the screen, desperate to see every single detail of our baby.

You see, this visit, we were going to try and find out whether bun (as we called our baby from early on, up until the time bun was born) was a boy or a girl. We had been talking about it for sometime, and although it didn’t really matter to us, we were leaning toward wanting a girl. When I try to recall now how I wanted a girl, I’m not sure why. I guess I pictured doing all of those cliched mother and daughter things together, and having the strong bond that I share with my mother. This was also going to be a fourth generation baby and I thought how neat it would be if we were all women.

The ultrasound tech wasn’t making any promises. Bun was being quite uncooperative and keeping their little legs closed tight so we couldn’t see anything. I was rolling from side to side on the table like a great whale, trying to get into a position where we could see something but to no avail. We were sure we were out of luck and we’d just have to wait until the birth. And then….’it’s a boy.’

The tech wouldn’t guarantee it for legal purposes, but she was pretty sure. I got off the table and headed down the hall to the washroom (I peed every twenty minutes at this point in my pregnancy). I didn’t know what to think or feel. I sat on the toilet in shock. I had been so sure it was a girl. And then I felt him kick. And I knew bun was a him. And this huge wave of love welled up inside me that I’ll never be able to describe. From that moment on, I was ecstatic that bun was a boy.

And bun, who is now Intrepid, is almost six months old. He’s incredible. I’m not religious, but I still thank whatever higher power there is out there for this miracle in my life. I can’t even imagine now, having a girl! I’m a tomboy at heart. I like to wear comfy pants, only the odd skirt, vintage t shirts and I collect baseball caps. I love rugby and hockey. How I ever thought I would be able to parade around a cute little girl in frilly dresses, I will never know.

I have everything I could ever want out of life, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Just me and my boys.